Monday, October 4, 2010

The search for a soul mate Part 1

Ah, I hated marriage! I definitely found all the expressions used to describe it slightly morbid:

I tend to think in pictures and flowcharts, so the expression, ‘settle down’ always reminded me of a sad floating object, slowly losing buoyancy, and finally sinking down to the bottom of a dark, lonely, well, where it would sit still FOREVER and gather slimy moss, or ‘Tie the knot’, which conjured pictured of tying a noose round the neck of some sad male, doomed to be led (for life) by an aggressive or manipulating female...or a combo. ‘Getting hooked’, that was definitely about dead fish on a slab! Worse still was the fact that one of the incentives for marriage was legit sex (or sex accepted by religion and society).

Now, when I was younger, the notion of sex meant crossing the final frontiers and a definite final loss of dignity, bringing pictures to my mind of two writhing groaning and moaning worms in soft earth, spurting smells and fluids, and chaffing as they strove for ecstasy!….Ewwww!!!

But that was then. I got married and it’s been one hell of a fun ROLLER COASTER. I guess I should have gotten on board earlier!
Truth is, marriage is a double or nothing deal. It’s nice with the right person. HOWEVER, when it’s with someone who MAY not be best fit, now, that’s a veeeeeeery rotten deal. Like a female friend of mine said, nothing will hurt like a being married to someone who doesn’t look at you lovingly anymore. I have also been opportune to sit between couples who have lost ‘the fire’. You sit still in uncomfortable awkwardness and finally happen upon a profound revelation – thumb twiddling demands real skill!

My take on marriage is, it’s simply a process where you get to choose your roommate FOR LIFE, and you take on the job of becoming all you can be, as you help the other person to be all they can be. You’re allowed to have sex and children may come along the way to TEMPORARILY add a sizzle to your life and learn, hopefully, how to live properly…but at the end of the day it’s just about the both of you. Finally, you have someone who is duty-bound to laugh at your dry jokes, because tomorrow night you WILL be by her side watching ‘sex and the city’ (or some ‘happy’ program about dolls and wishes, and romance with everybody dressed in pink!)

But somewhere out there, for the unhooked, is, most likely, the woman or man for you. What I have come to realise is, it’s not about if a potential partner is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. From personal experience, you can be dating the perfect lady and still know deep, deep, deep, deep down inside (if you know anything about listening to your internal compass) that this wonderful person is the best thing for ANOTHER person, not you. But the uncanny truth about lasting relationships is that many times your soul mate who you click with, or your ‘knight in shining armour’ who will cross the oceans for you (when that special one sends you emails from abroad via the internet) may be right in front of you.

Yep. Right in front of you.

Now before I get all theological and talk about how Eve was always in Adam, though he could not see, and how because she was his soul mate, she just clicked with him, (Check out how they BOTH made a bad decision because that is a sad part of their ‘clicking’), what sustains most couples through the seven big baddies is the good old ability to COMMUN-icate. Before I go further on that, the seven big baddies are:

(Drum roll)

CHANGE (in finance, status, life cycles, hormones, jobs, living conditions…etc)
And of course, IN-LAWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Gbaaaunnnn + fireworks!!!!)

Now, there is so much talk, especially due to our movie-influenced pseudo lifestyles, about meeting the ‘one’ who sets you on fire, or having a passionate romantic relationship, or someone whose kiss sets off fireworks in your head, and makes one of your legs go up…duh! And of course, many want a relationship where their man spends ‘quality time’ (which, sometimes, means all day) with them (while making lots of money and doing several jobs at the same time…SOMEHOW!), where their wives can discuss business concepts with them, while taking care of the house, and the babies, as she does the dishes – and while pounding yam AND reciting scriptures, and once in a while, letting off ‘delicate’ farts that smell like Prada.


Three hearty cheers for the hopefuls.

I am not here to burst any bubbles, but let’s come back to the real world for a split sec. This article is about searching for a soul mate. The mythological background for this concept is that human beings were creatures with four legs and arms. Don’t look at me funny, because SOMEHOW we kinda’ looked good! But the ‘gods’ thought us too strong and split us in two, and now, sadly, we have just two legs and two arms. Imagine what David Beckam would have been like on the ball. But, according to the story, man was split in two and now, searches for his other half to ‘complete’ him.

On a serious note, as one goes through teenage years and makes the transition into adulthood, one experiences a growing level of self-realisation. You start to ask questions about who you really are, why you are on earth and what your purpose is about. At some point, we start to gravitate towards our dominant thoughts, or better still, our purpose. So, some will do anything to make money, while some will focus on a career, and some others will feel they were created to perform a specific task. Now, whatever a person’s purpose, known or unknown, there is always need for help in achieving that purpose.

And some level of assistance is needed to help you get to your purpose.

It’s also true that if the crew you set out with on a journey do not have the right skills, qualities and competencies to get there, you may not get there, or you may experience a lot of difficulty getting there, or you may have to let go at some point, and try to go it alone – or look for a suitable companion (or companions) for your journey.

You can easily deduce at this point that the quality of who YOU are, and who you are WITH, both play a major role in accomplishing life’s goals…or at a more serious level, your unique purpose.

To be continued…

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